training for combat?

that's what it feels like anyways. granted, i have never seen combat by my husband's definition, but i have lived through my own war. a war that seems to have no end in sight. what is it about controlling another person or manipulating them or using children as weapons that appeals to people? what happened to "live and let live?" when did it become "i live to make you want to die?"

today's meeting was to discuss what's coming up and what to prepare for as we enter legal land. i hate talking about my life with phil. i hate going back to all the times when i was a complete idiot for allowing the behavior to continue. i hate that i never spoke out. i hate that i stayed. hindsight, huh? dad said i did good. only cracked a couple of times, but managed to hold it together for the most part. thank you, xanax! we were told what to expect next and different ways the process could go. it's all confusing to me. it's all he said/ she said. in all the years i spent with him, he told the detective that there was no violence committed. if he has any good traits, they would be the ability to smooth talk like a champ and distract you with charm as he systematically destroys you.

i had hoped that i would not be needed next week. the defense attorney is appealing the "no bond" status and trying to get phil out of jail. looks like my hopes don't mean shit. i will be there. as of right now, "there" means in the building chilling out with the witness protection people during the hearing. i pray that remains the case and "there" doesn't become in the courtroom having to speak. i know this is my time to fight. i know this is my time to make him be held accountable for the things he did. i know i must protect myself and jaxon. i know i have to be strong. what i do not know is how to make that happen. i still flip out and buckle when pressed for details. seeing his picture makes me sick and causes nightmares. if...IF...i am called to the hearing, i don't have to look at him, speak directly to him, and he can't talk to me. his lawyer can, but i'm getting ahead of myself. just keep your fingers crossed for me that the definition of "there" doesn't change.

jamie told me that this is my chance to speak out to someone that has the power to do something about it. told me to stay strong. i'm trying. i don't want to let anyone down. i want to make them proud. i want to be proud of myself.

until next time...